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Fri, Oct. 21st, 2005, 10:28 pm
away = a way?

i have been away for quite some time, in more ways than one.
i've sort of retreated from life in some (many?) ways, concentrating my scant energies on a few people and situations that are somewhat positive right now.
maybe it's because i don't feel i have anything to offer, so, instead i offer nothing. i don't want to disappoint, so i try not to set myself up to disappoint or let others down... but even still, i let others down.
i could do a whole lot more, and for a lot more people, but...
but what?
i'm a nobody with very little to offer anyone else. yeah, i DO have some things to offer, but it seems that without some other qualities and conditions, it's just not good enough.
i know i shouldn't come down hard on myself, but it's sometimes hard not to when i try to see myself as other might see me. i'm not cool with a lot of things about myself, so why should anyone else be?
but i'm trying to do better, and not disappoint other people, and to be a good friend to as many as i can be, though it's not as many as i'd like...
i know i've wronged some people, and/or generally just not gotten back in contact with them, and for that i am deeply sorry. but i do want to reach out and at least try more, because life isn't really so bad, and it would be nice to get some new/old perspectives.
i just... don't want to be the asshole, the slacker, the incompetent son/friend/brother/employee that no one can trust or depend on or that is in whatever way embarrassing to them. i don't even know exactly...
i can't help who and what i am fundamentally, though i may try to change it. i don't want people to get the wrong idea about me, but i don't know what the 'right' idea about me would look like.
i just feel kinda like the bad guy in most situations... like i'm not doing enough or saying the right things or helping out with whatever's going on or being supportive enough or achieving amazing things in my own life. i feel like in many situations that my opinions don't really matter and people are just humoring me or bearing with me until they can do their own thing apart from me, or i'm just getting in the way or something.
this entry still seems as true today as the day i wrote it.
what's wrong with me?

Mon, May. 9th, 2005, 01:41 am
if my life were a novel, would anyone make it past page two?

sometimes, i feel like i can change the world. other times, i feel that i am powerless to change anything at all, even myself.

sometimes, i want to be a part of something bigger than myself, to bask in the radiance of other amazing people. other times, i just want to hide away forever and let the world forget about me.

sometimes, i feel the boundless freedom of being alone. other times, i feel incredibly, terribly lonely.

sometimes, i want to love. other times, i wish i didn't.

sometimes, i want to say something and reach out my hand, knowing it could be amazing. other times, i keep my mouth shut and let opportunities slip away, knowing i may have avoided trouble.

sometimes i hope, while other times, i despair.

there is no right or wrong about hoping or despairing, nor in the circumstances which lead me to hope or despair. things just are as they are, without a care to what i might want.
it is the wanting that disturbs, not the subject of the want. it is the wanting that creates attachments of all forms, that bind me and blind me to the possibilities all around.
i shall not ask for that which is not freely given.
or rather, i may ask, but i never expect anything, not even an answer.

i am quite used to unanswered questions; it is my life's story.

and so it goes, another day, another chapter, another subplot to the grand, undramatic drama that is me.

sometimes, i am okay with myself.
other times, i am not.
sometimes, i want to be much more.
other times, i want to be much, much less...





"sometimes suicide is a silky soft concept i like to wrap around myself and try on for size"

-christian lane alexander, my diaryland hero (whom i sincerely hope takes no offense from me quoting these particular words)

Wed, Feb. 23rd, 2005, 08:54 am
floridaaaaahh!

i'm about to leave with scott to go to florida for a week or so! i'm not counting on sun (the weather reports show partly cloudy/chance of rain every damn day), but i am hoping we get to make a side trip to someplace fun, at least for a few hours. i wouldn't mind dipping my toes into the Gulf again, or paddling around the 'Glades for a bit, but we'll see what we can manage. just seeing a different scene than the burgh for awhile will be nice. and it's florida! even if it's cruddy weather, it will be warmer than here. yum.

Fri, Dec. 3rd, 2004, 11:58 pm
my back hurts, talented masseuse wanted

friidaay!
this week, much framing (and re-framing) of walls took place.
and the lesson of the week [really mostly just today (and only really for my dumb arse)] is:
(drumroll, please)...

Measure Twice and Cut Once.

and also:

Check Your Math!

yeah.

well, what's done is done (and can often be redone), so i'm chillaxin.

random playlist of the night:

{artist - title}
1. twin sister - someday
2. massive attack - everywhen
3. beastie boys - electrify
4. black eyed peas - let's get retarded
5. orbital - dr. who mix live
6. beck - mutherfucker
7. skinny puppy - morpheus laughing
8. talib kweli & hi tek & de la soul - soul rebels
9. u.n.k.l.e. - celestial annihilation
10. pink floyd - run like hell
*11. twin sister - we got company

*it seems appropriate for this weekend. i just have to find my lucky polyhedrals.

"i know you have powerful friends, am i supposed to be afraid of that, am i supposed to look scared?"



there should be new pictures by monday/tuesdayish... of mason (he's way big, and a lot chiller), new construction (yay for building things), and umm... other fun things i may see. who knows.

i have a handcrank flashlight.

Tue, Nov. 16th, 2004, 08:55 pm
delta vee

we (scott and i) finished our project at the empire today!
scott sprang for quizno's in celebration: mmmm... toasy.
tomorrow, we're off to jm's to get things crackin' there.
that's gonna be a long job...

anyshoe, though i'm not keeping close track, one can't help (in da burgh, anyway) hearing that the stillers are rockin' their way towards playoffs. ooh ooh, where's my terrible towel?! [pronounced /TRRBL TAAHL/, or some variant thereof]

listen:
winter is in the air
you can smell it everywhere
frost greets me at morn'
skies sharp, cold, forlorn
but the sunsets are cool
and i would be quite the fool
to not notice the riotous beauty
that thrives everywhere to see

blah, whatever
i dug out all of my cold weather gear. ALL.
it's not unforgivingly cold just yet, but i am prepared!
just like the boy scouts say each and ev'ry day: be prepared.
one can surmount oh so many situations or difficulties with the right preparation...

so my checklists have many (several) items checked off. checklists with items checked off are both very rewarding reminders of progress and self-obsolescentizing (is that even a word? yes, i just made it up! it means: v. to make a thing obsolete through it's very functioning. so there.)
enough.

have you ever read breakfast of champions by kurt vonnegut?
you should. right now. or asap. that means As Soon As Possible. doctors use the curious term "STAT!" (always shouted) to express to underlings that tasks must be performed STASAP, that is, Sooner Than As Soon As Possible. one wonders why they call it STAT, when clearly the acronym is STASAP. i don't know.

what i do know is this: doctors can be cool, and doctors can be dicks, and you should hope that you get whichever appeals to your demeanor, because, let's face it, some people are just dicks and respond better to that.

i don't respond well to people being dicks to me, while at the same time recognizing that i'm sure i come off that way to people all the time.

i remember karen, chelynne's mom, used to always say: 'put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror'. the implication is we should stop criticizing others and look at ourselves (duh)

sometimes the best thing to do seems to be close your eyes for awhile.
oh, and just keep swimming...




this just in: i have new mail of interest :)

Tue, Nov. 2nd, 2004, 07:27 am
i voted!

now go vote for yourself!!

seriously. if it is important enough to me to get up at 6am and wait in line for a half hour (i thought it would be longer), then it's damn important.

why are you still reading this?!

go vote!!!

Thu, Oct. 28th, 2004, 10:00 pm
vote as if your life depends on it

this year, we've all been inundated with political messages of one form or another, being told which candidate sucks (BUSH) and which one sucks only somewhat less (KERRY). this is nothing new, of course, we've been hearing it every four years {more often if you pay attention to the more important results of Congressional elections [yes 'tis true, Congressional elections are more important than Presidential elections. they MAKE the laws to begin with, and, statistically speaking, have a far less likelihood of having its collective head up its collective ass (although, recently, the idiots in Congress make me wonder))).
but this year, the political discourse of this country has thankfully/finally included quite a large push to get new people (or old-timers who don't vote) to vote. (man, i have to quit with the parentheses)
this makes me ecstatic for the electorate process, which is all too apathetic and quiet for the beacon of democracy our country claims (quite hypocritically, of course, but that's another rant*) to be.
even if a bunch of these new voters vote for BUllSHit, it still makes me glad that more people are involved in the whole deal. what is the statistic, like less than half of eligible registered voters actually do?! that's retarded. RE. TARD. ED.
seriously, even if you don't believe that your vote counts (and if you lived in florida in 2000 you'd be 53,700% wrong!), it is your chance to voice some small opinion DIRECTLY (well, not really*) to the government.
of course, voting is only one way to make your opinions heard. there are a myriad other methods to get the attention of those in power, so i'm not suggesting that casting your vote is the ONLY way to change things.
unfortunately, even with the large campaigns by many (largely pro-Dem) organizations to convince people of the necessity to vote, a lot of people aren't going to bother. this is ludicrous, even if it were not the situation we have in 2004. if you have any opinion on the matter, it seems silly just to talk about it without taking the opportunity to do something about that opinion. (that comment might seem a tad hypocritical so some who know i'm a talker, or that i'm all talk, but i've recently realized just how deeply important it is to follow through)

so, for whomever you cast your vote, it's worth doing.
and if you're thinking about casting it for that idiot bush, please don't.
really, i'm not saying that kerry is a knight in shining armor, but he's a far cry from what we've had to endure for the last 4 years.
there is honestly NO worthwhile reason to vote for him if you're not uber-rich, white, or already in bed with his cronies.
don't take my word for it, or their's either, google up your own news and info on the matter. of course, if you get your news from the Fox Channel, they've already told you what to think and do. and i'm telling you to take one day off from them, read stuff on alternet.org or commondreams.org, and then tell me that at least some of what i'm saying isn't right.
blah, i'm done trying to persuade people, because people can't be persuaded, it seems. everyone has their position, and they don't budge an nanometer, and we're all gonna get super pissed no matter who 'wins'...

just go vote.

* the reason i say that this is a hypocritically democratic nation is mainly because of the structure of that democracy is much less 'for the people' than other forms of democracy found all over the world (no, we didn't invent 'democracy', and neither did the greeks, i'm sorry to burst their bubble). the electoral college finally made some news in 2000 because of the botched election process, where we all know who should have been picked, according to the popular vote. the electoral college is a stupid institution left over from an era of misunderstood notions of mob mentality. it removes the common man from his direct link to the government when s/he votes. it says to people, in a very subtle way, that in certain circumstances, the wishes of some people are more important to others, based solely on which geographic area you hail from. it says to people, we don't trust you to make the correct decision, so we'll pick for you, but we'll still take your recommendations to heart. and, yes, 9 times out of 10, it all goes well, and the right guy (or gal, hopefully) gets elected. but there's always that chance that it won't go well, and, well, we all see what happened then.
all i'm saying, is that in an age where i can sit down and communicate my opinions to a million people (potentially, i know i'm still about 999,998 people short of that in this forum), it seems silly that we can't have direct elections. when the electoral college was first established, it was of course difficult for the common man to cast a knowledgeable vote, even if he knew the candidates names. but these days, it's silly to think that the government can't reach out and cull votes directly from people, and get more than just one out of two people to show up.
which leads me to statistics. i know that any person who knows statistics might point out that in most situations, we needn't ask nearly 100% of the group their opinions to get a very accurate idea of the entire group. quite often, if you want to predict the results in 99% of cases, you need only ask about 10-15% of the group (i could be off, it's been awhile since i studied p-tests and probability confidence and such). so why would we even need half the populace voting, let alone all of it? simply because such statistical methods to select candidates are an insult to the one individual who might actually make that one deciding vote. just because it works in nearly all cases, does not mean that it is an acceptable way to select leaders, legislators, and public offices of any kind. sometimes, that 1% makes all the difference. and really, when it comes down to it, do you want a computer running math equations to decide who will send your child to die in war? much better that we are able to still hold our heads up (relatively) high, knowing that fellow interested people made the choice. and if everyone votes, then we are not left to doubt whether things might have been different, had that little old lady down the street been given an absentee ballot because she can never walk the two blocks to the polls, or whatever hypothetical situation you can come up with.

ugh, this is long and rambling and incoherent.
i just needed to say something here, just to spread the bitching around a bit.

go vote!
(or i'll come beat you up)
(okay, i won't really, but go vote anyway)

Sat, Oct. 23rd, 2004, 11:01 pm
read my previous entry first...

before anyone even gets on me about the disinteresting part, let me address that too.

when i was younger and more naive about how the world works, i used to think that love conquered all.
i grew up a little when i realized the harsh reality that love does not conquer all, especially a heart that can no longer be moved to care.
i moved on in life, burdened by this new, sad truth, but still optimistic because i still believed in my heart of hearts that love could still conquer the pettier things in life, such as materialism and status. i thought then that even though i may not be a graduate of Yale (or of any other institution, for that matter), or have my own sleek car (or even a dingy one), or have a successful business under my belt (or a 'real' job), i might still find true love, because they (the would-be lovers) would know that such things are unimportant.
it came as quite a shock to me to realize that some people find such things very necessary to continuing a relationship.

now that my outlook on love and life is forever changed, it becomes increasingly hard to view myself as someone attractive and able to offer something interesting and worthwhile to any potential lover, or even friend. it's hard to list the pros of my persona, without seeing the cons and feeling immediately disqualified by them.

not that i want to start a new relationship right now, because i honestly think it will be quite some time for that sort of thing, but even just the idea of meeting someone new and the expectations that go with that are just too much for me to even consider. some girl slipped me her number after we talked for a few minutes about the inevitability of flooding along our rivers (it IS inevitable, that's why they're called 'floodplains', yo). did i call her? no. will i? no. the reason is, other than that brief conversation we shared in line at the convenience store, i feel i have nothing worthwhile to offer her, or any other person in life. i mean, i know i have stuff to offer people, because i am skilled in many things that most people are not, and i have ideas that most people don't think about, and i have all these other good qualities going for me.... but i am currently utterly lacking in enough self-confidence to do anything about it.

so, now i can see for myself that although i sincerely and desperately want to feel included and necessary in a group atmosphere, i currently don't feel confident enough to really put forth the effort of being in one and offering anything worthwhile.... it is a self-reinforcing dilemma, but i'm trying to get around it somehow....

didn't i say at some point that all i need are a few successes? a few won battles?

well, i should go start winning them...

Sat, Oct. 23rd, 2004, 10:25 pm
a breakthrough only makes a tiny hole. the rest is up to you to dig out by hand...

the opposite of love is not hate, as many seem to think.
the opposite of love is apathy, the complete lack of interest in someone or something.
hate is at least another form of interest...

once a week, i go across town and talk to someone in a situation that is frankly embarrassing and uncomfortable to describe with any sort of explanation. so i won't.

but let it be known that certain subjects talked about do indeed shed light on recent, and not-so-recent, events and circumstances in my life.

i realize that i don't want people not to hate me, but rather to not be disinterested in me. and, since i feel myself to be rather disinteresting on several levels (based on certain societal models of 'interesting'), i have a real problem with being forgotten or ignored. and it's not that i necessarily want a lot of attention (oh hell no), or even constant attention, it's just that i vacillate between 'hermit' and 'rockstar' modes, and i can imagine no friends really understand where the fine line is...

the truth is, i do need lots of time to be alone, to do my own thing, at my own pace. but i also feel a great need to connect with people in intimate, meaningful ways. i want to feel needed and necessary, but not depended upon for someone to exist. i need to feel like an essential part of a group dynamic, but also not so tied-down that i can't do my own thing and recharge psychologically.

um... where am i going with this, i lost my outline?

in my other online journal (sloth.diaryland.com), i posted something about really missing affectionate human contact, specifically the oh-so-wonderful act of cuddling. it seems that this is another symptom of me wanting to be part of that essential group dynamic thing... the increasing lack of it (cuddling) during the last few months of being with Emily added up, and then when she left me, the absolute lack of the emotional support together with the absolute lack of physical contact really hit me hard. whether depending upon one person so much for emotional support and stability is a good thing or not (cause it can be a good or bad thing, people, think about how some marriages must work), i depended on Emily too much for my own well-being when her presence in my life was vastly (and unexpectedly) removed. especially, in retrospect (hindsight being 20/20)...

um... i'm just distracting myself and getting off track....

as i am so likely to do, because of my (apparently) attention deficient brain...

but that's for another rare entry entirely...

Thu, Oct. 14th, 2004, 11:06 pm
just to get by

this morning i woke up,
feeling brand new, i jumped up,
feeling my highs and my lows,
and my soul and my goals,
just to stop smokin' and stop drinkin'
well, i've been thinkin' i've got my reasons...

just to get by

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